I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
