life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
