I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It's not a walk of shame if you run
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
