Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
