eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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