just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
