EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
