He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
