i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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