Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
