Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
