Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
