I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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