I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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