remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
