im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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