When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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