drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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