My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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