I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize