I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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