I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
