why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just pee around me
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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