I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize