She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
