I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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