I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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