Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
