hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
