why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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