I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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