Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
