farters have to be the big spoon...
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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