I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
