I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
