im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
