I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
this beer tastes like vomit already
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
