Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
