Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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