I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
