I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Randomize
