Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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