so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
