You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize