You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
