i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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