My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
