my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
