this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
