last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
