come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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