I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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