with your own penis?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
