apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
